SPOILERS AHEAD. Though if you’re like me, you no longer care.

Dear 24,

When President Batshitinsane Palmer launched a nuclear missile from the U.S.S. Vickery last episode, it was like you’d taken one bold step closer to fulfilling my fantasies for the show: all-out nuclear war, followed by a seventh season where everyone is either dead, dying of radiation poisoning, or eating rats off the street—in other words, a 24-episode version of Threads. This would’ve been some of the finest television ever to grace American shores, even if you didn’t necessarily buy into the belief that American aggression would cause a nuclear holocaust—but then, you’re watching 24, so you’ve already been asked to believe far more ludicrous things.

All of that fine nuclear porn has been completely undone in the course of ONE EPISODE. Let’s recap:

1. Palmer says he’s launching the nuclear strike because it’s time the towelheads—I mean Arabs—learned that not cooperating, or not having intelligence, or really not having anything to do with anything, means you get nuked.
2. REVELATION #1: The Arabs call back and cry mercy! Okay, here’s the intelligence we didn’t give you before because we’re Arabs and we lie to Americans all the time! Only the threat of nuclear annihilation made us reconsider our evil ways! Today’s geopolitics lesson: it’s okay to threaten Arabs with nuclear missiles because Arabs always lie!
3. REVELATION #2: The nuclear missile wasn’t a nuclear missile! It was a fake! Next geopolitics lesson: nuclear brinksmanship is always more acceptable when you’re shooting blanks!
4. Fast forward to Jack Bauer capturing Evil Terrorist #1, Fayed. They can’t get him to talk so they transport him to CTU. But on the way, Bauer and company are ambushed! By terrorists! With guns and shit! The terrorists kill Ricky Schroder! The terrorists kill dumbass CTU soldier who’s busy walking out of the overturned van like he was getting dropped off at soccer camp! And then, the unthinkable: JACK BAUER GETS SHOT. Oh wait, you already saw this scene because it was in the previews.
5. REVELATION #3: The terrorists are apparently satisfied with their work and rush Fayed off to safety. Of course, neither Fayed nor the rescue team think to, oh, I don’t know, SHOOT FUCKING JACK BAUER IN THE FUCKING HEAD. But just when you think the terrorists couldn’t get any dumber, SUVs drive up from the other direction and Jack stands up! The “terrorists” are actually CTU agents, and Jack Bauer isn’t dead. 24, you fucking cocktease.
6. [insert rant about boring-ass CTU staff soap opera bullshit because I can't be bothered to write up shit about characters I don't care about]
7. Fayed figures out what’s up, and executes Code Zeta, which involves shotting everyone in the neck and escaping. Jack tracks him down just as Fayed gets into a giant truck, and how does Jack follow? By crawling underneath it and hanging onto the chassis! Then Jack calls CTU, and the conversation sounds something like this:
   

   Buchanan: Jack, what’s your status?
   Bauer: [really loud road noise]
   Buchanan: What was that, Jack? I can’t hear you! Where the fuck are you, at a Nine Inch Nails concert?
   Bauer: [road noise]
   Buchanan: What the fuck, Jack? You can’t charge your cell phone or something? All I get is static!

8. Fayed leads Jack straight to the terrorist hidey-hole where the nukes are. Jack goes in and proceeds to KILL EVERYONE in the space of four minutes, without so much as calling for backup. Fayed pretends to arm the nukes (cocktease) before him and Jack start punching the shit out of each other. Fayed gets the upper hand (cocktease) but then loses it, and Jack hangs Fayed with a chain. Lamest fight ever.
9. Ricky Schroder comes in and is all “oh, we followed the truck.” Jack’s like “awesome, clean up the shit I made,” and Ricky looks longingly at the nukes like maybe he wants to cook with nuclear gas (cocktease). Then Jack gets a call, and who’s on the other line?
10. REVELATION… OH WHO CARES: Audrey Raines, who is still alive and being held captive by the Chinese! And just when you thought all the loose ends had been tied up, only seven episodes away from the end of the season! Gee, sure is convenient for the Chinese to call up just when the nuclear threat is over, isn’t it?

Why am I still watching this show? It can’t even deliver on the two things that would make me happy: a scorched earth and a dead Jack Bauer. Frank might hold on for a bit longer, but I’m done. 24 is dead to me.